Uncommon Courage

How to become our most authentic selves, with Cathy Johnson

February 02, 2022 Andrea T Edwards, Cathy Johnson, Tim Wade Episode 42
Uncommon Courage
How to become our most authentic selves, with Cathy Johnson
Show Notes Transcript

This is a snippet of The Know Show, where Cathy Johnson spoke about what we all need to do to become our authentic selves. Cathy Johnson is the Authentic Leadership Coach. She’s a speaker, coach and facilitator, and in this segment, she digs into how to be our most authentic selves and why it matters. We discuss why authenticity is so critical and how it supports our ability to make decisions with integrity, as well as getting clear on what matters to us and the actions we take. Authenticity is definitely more than a buzzword, it's about getting in tune with ourselves on the deepest possible level. 

#UncommonCourage #TheKnowShow 

To get in touch with me, all of my contact details are here https://linktr.ee/andreatedwards

My book Uncommon Courage, an invitation, is here https://mybook.to/UncommonCourage

My book 18 Steps to an All-Star LinkedIn Profile, is here https://mybook.to/18stepstoanallstar

Unknown:

All right, should we move into our theme for the week, and I'm looking forward to hearing what Kathy's got to say being our most authentic selves. I don't think any of us struggle with that. Authenticity is something we're hearing a lot about today, right? I think it's also at risk of becoming just another buzzword. It's overused. But also I think the meaning of it isn't necessarily widely understood what it really truly means. So Kathy, will be happy to share with us why it's important, what it really means, why it matters, what it can deliver to you personally, and maybe tips, ideas, whatever on how people can work to become their most authentic selves. So I'll hand it over to you. Thanks, Andrea, I appreciate the opportunity to share this because it really means a lot to me. And you're right, authenticity is a word that is used a lot. Now, when I use it, I'm referring to a need a need to both understand ourselves, like who we really are what we really believe and care for outside of the conditioning that we all got growing up with. And also the need to act from that place, which requires self confidence and courage. It means acting from inside, instead of continuing to just go along to get along, which is what most people aren't most of us do until we start to find ourselves, it's where we get to where we can make a difference in our own lives and in the world. So I would just say in general, it's about getting clear of what we were brought up to believe about ourselves and about the world. I would also say that most people are living, stressful lives, ongoing lives, not living with presence, not really doing, having time to do some self reflection about themselves, or about what matters to them. So just since you asked about what can we do to get there, there are two parts as I see it. One is to know yourself to really know yourself. And I would say most people have a sense about themselves, but they don't know themselves deeply. I'm going to recommend two books. One, you may have heard of uncommon courage by Andrea Edwards. Because, yeah, it's one of the things I love about that book is, it's you're sharing your journey to understanding yourself, things that you uncovered, just like your own inner voice, inner critic, reading a book like that can help us to also question ourselves and say, what is what is there for me, it's all about uncovering who you really are outside of your conditioning, there's a second book I would recommend, which also can be helpful to understand our lives outside of our conditioning, called The Four Agreements, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, there are lots of books, but those two, I would strongly recommend, it's just a way to start to understand first of all, that we all got this conditioning, everyone's trying to help us to, uh, to survive in the world when we're little. And so we take on some understandings of things. And they may or may not be true for us. It's what we were told, honestly, from people to try to help us to live and survive. So the first step is to know yourself to really know yourself, uncover what really matters to you. And part of that is do some kind of slowing down some kind of reflection, some kind of grounding practice, so that you slow down and you can start to be with yourself. And then you, you also may need some support to get clearer, that can speed things up. So I would just say very often people I work with coaching or seeing in workshops, very often people are suffering, we're suffering from one thing or another in our lives, but we don't really know that things can be different, or how to step into that. Very often. We don't even know we have agency that we can do something. Anyway, that's the first one is to know yourself. The second one is to act from that place. And what that requires, which is there's no short supply of that in this little room here. But it requires self confidence and some real courage. It means having difficult conversations, which could mean when someone comes in and you find they put a plastic bottle of coke in your refrigerator, you're saying something, um, but it also could be speaking up when someone says something racist, or sexist or ageist or homophobic. I'm saying that you're gay or trans or whatever getting help when you're being Better telling the truth about your relationship with your spouse, acting from a place that's more real and whole. So I'm talking about living with integrity. That's really it. And the impact when people do develop over time, which I'm fortunate I get to see, because I'm a coach, the impact is on not only themselves, its own people around them, family members, people at work, but it can also then develop into what am I really here for what really matters to me, what do I want to step into, and start helping in the world. So for me, that's why it's super important. A lot that, you know, one of the things that I talk a lot about is, work out what your true values are, and then anchor yourself in your values. And to me, it's a starting point, right? If you're a person of your word, and you say to yourself, I am a person of my word, and nobody can switch me, knock me off my anchor. And then you over time, people will understand your person if you would, but you've got to anchor yourself in them. So remember, some younger people that I've worked with in the past, I could see them coming in, and that was still trying to work out who they were. And I was watching other people, constantly knocking them off their values. And before before they knew it, they were lost. And that's, to me the beginning of the journey. And you've got to get back to that person. And just, if you can remember, you know, what's important to you? What would you not compromise on, I annoy the crap out of my husband with my values, but he also knows that there's things that I'm uncompromising on as he is right. And we're very clear with each other what those things are for each of us. So values to me is super important. I agree. That's super important. So I guess my question then is, when when should I allow myself to be influenced by a better version of, you know, I'm with you about the failures. But I also sometimes hear people say, things like, well, you know, that's just, you know, I can't change that's just the way I am. And I figured out some, some time in the past years ago that the truth is, whatever we say, this is just the way I am, I can't change. Really, that's it. That's rarely the way we really are. And the way I describe it is that is this, I asked the person, just imagine that if you were born on an island, and there was nobody else there, and you grew up on this island, and when you're 25, or 27 years old, someone landed on the island, you're not going to walk up to that person and say, Look, I just can't get along with people like you, because you're not gonna say, this is the way I am I always I always I have to have the data and I can't, you know, if I don't have the data, then I can't have a conversation. It's that things have happened to us in life that made us make choices about how, how we are, but that's part of I'm with you about the values is starting. Starting from that is a great place to start. But I also think people need to be do some reflection in order to get there. Because we all have been told by whether it's family members, or a school people or extended family, or the society or whatever, what these are the right values, and this is what you need to live by. And we very often take them on. So helping people to actually get to what really is their values? What do you what do you really stand for? What really matters to you? That's not so easy. And then what Tim was saying, like, you know, so one of your values is I tell the truth. If you grow out of that and say, Now I want to lie, it's, it's a decision, right? But um, but you're right, cuz you got to go inside. And you got to say, is that me? Is that mine? Was it given to me by my parents by the church? I attended, whatever. And then you've got to say, does it sit with me and you've got to you've got to have silence in your life to be able to do that. And one of the things I talk a lot about is go, you know, for me, it was travel. Now just on the road for months and months facing my mind. Not everybody needs that much time, but I certainly did. But I also find people are scared to face themselves. Yeah, there's a lot of terror. Yeah, you must have seen that in your worksheet, Kathy? I do. I do. And and there's a real hesitation to really look at what's there. And sometimes people who just had a coaching session a couple of days ago, or someone was saying, I don't know what I don't even know how to react to that. I don't know what I don't know. I don't know what that is. It's yeah, it can be scary. But it's also people get through it. It's not like it's a you know, it's not like you're running into a brick wall or something. You know what I mean? Yeah, and it's comes in stages, and sometimes you get tired of it. And sometimes when you evolve, the people in your life are no longer relevant. Or you start to recognize that that they're actually creating harm for you. Obviously Someone just recently they, they got rid of all of their friends. Because on their 50th birthday, not one person turned up, and my heart ache so much for this person that you could be put in that situation. But she realized that she wasn't surrounding yourself the sort of people that she should be surrounding yourself with. It was sad, and it was heartbreaking. But she grew from it, you know. So you got to look around us as well. Sorry, Tim. Yeah. I think the idea of reflection is a really good one. It's very challenging one. I think that is that takes a lot of courage. But it also takes a bit of planning to do it. Because I think a lot of the time we go through our lives, experiencing something and tolerating it until it gets to the point of it forces us to make a call on it. And that takes a long time, that process takes a long time of getting down to the bottom and then just going no, I don't want that. So now I know what I don't want. That happened a lot for me with, you know, relationships. It was like, I don't know what I want a relationship. And I'm in a relationship go, Well, I don't want that. And so and then, okay, next. Now, I don't want this as well. And so I basically, by building up the whole list of things I didn't want, I was able to then kind of work out what I probably didn't want, you know, I could have saved myself a bit of time. But sometimes you kind of got to live it. I agree. Sometimes, yeah, you got to live it. But one of the things I work with people on is, is moving those conversations back further towards when you first you know, when you if you get together, you're seeing someone and you're dating or something, and then they do something and you're all in love, and everything's great. And everything they do is wonderful. But then that's something happens you and your thinking, can't you know, that's weird, but oh, yeah, no, I love you. And so you let things slide the same things happens. The same things happen in the workplace. When someone does something that we don't like, well, you know, that he'll look, he'll get better. You'll, you know, he won't do that forever. But then he does it again. And then we start zoning a little later fraud. Yeah, yeah, right on a little bit of $10,000. So anyway, and then it gets to where we're looking at the person in a different way. Now we're thinking kotite is just totally lazy. She doesn't even care about this team, whatever it is, we're thinking that we've made up now, because we never had that conversation, to just say, wait, wait, I saw you do it like this. And I'm wondering about that. What is that about? Because we could all save ourselves, in terms of relationships, where we're down the road on relationships, but everyone could save themselves some heartache by just speaking up, which is where the courage comes from. But I also know unlike you, Tim, I, I learned about what I wanted what was great for me and what wasn't by making mistakes. And just that's how we learned. Your question, just now was fantastic, though. It's like, so I saw you do this. I'm wondering about that. So I'm owning my wondering, but I'm offering the platform for them to explain themselves rather than going. You did it like this, and therefore you're wrong, basically going into battle. Or even worse, you know, what, why don't you do it like that? Is that what you think that's right. I mean, what it's anything you're doing, where you're poking somebody else, as if you want them to connect to the God and you know, everything. That's it's just not okay, it's respecting the other person. That's it, and that you can do the same thing in the workplace as in your private life. I've had a few conversations with you, Kathy, about expectations as well. And so some of this, some of it comes down to xpect. What do we expect of others that hadn't been explicitly discussed? Yes. You're wonderful. Yeah. Sure. Sure. A guy was coaching in the past at a company. But it was during the COVID times, he was working at home, and he has a couple kids and his wife was home too. So he was in their bedroom and set up his office there. But he went out to get a cup of coffee in the kitchen. And one of the kids had left out some of the didn't help clear up all the Legos. And he was walking barefooted and stepped on a Lego now, you know, that's not going to be a pleasant feeling. And he, you know, we were having this session, they told me, so I just, you know, I was so angry. I was like, why did we, you know, why didn't she get this thing picked up? And here I am, you know, my foots, hurt, hurt, etc. And so then I asked him, I said, you know, I'm sure that hurt a lot. I said, I'm interested in knowing about the conversation you had with your wife earlier, where you discussed about and agreed that she would be in charge of making sure all the Legos were picked up on the off the floor, and he looked at him and he said Oh, yeah, yeah, we didn't have that conversation. Got it. It's like, we go off sometimes and assume someone's read our mind that, yeah, it's unexpressed expectations, cause lots of problems at home and in the workplace to expectations are amazing, you know, you'll meet somebody and their father has led them down for 40 years, and they still expect it to be different. And because they still need to be different, they're living in pain, and just stop expecting anything else. And then because we're actually when you move out of expectation, and you actually expect nothing, often they actually step up a little bit. But it doesn't, what's my shrinking the bubble analogy, right? Not everyone's going to be able to meet your expectations. So the best thing to do is to not have expectations, I have expectations of my husband, and I have expectations of my children, but they're different, because I'm allowing them to grow. And you know, they're going to make mistakes and not so my expectations can't limit that growth. But But it's, you know, there's things like, tell the truth, be respectful, that sort of stuff, right? But expectations are the bane of our existence. And so many people struggle, so many, well, essentially. And here's the thing, it's actually expectations. I don't know, it's like, I totally agree. What we can share is, here's what I'd like, what I would like is this, but you need to verbalize it. Because otherwise if we don't verbalize it, we just make assumptions. And assume they're going to do them, then they don't and then you know, there's a level on the floor, and we're going nuts about it. But it's actually saying what you're thinking and making a request. But the person other person isn't adult except for your kids, although they're pretty close there. And they can say no, if they want to any adult can but but just you have to ask if they say to you can't give you what you want. Yes. Yeah, then live your life on. You know, that's what it is. And it's a great thing to know, if you if if you have a boss, for example, who is really rude always interrupts you. And if you say, you know, I, one thing I noticed is that three times this morning, when I've been speaking, before I finished you started speaking on top of what I was saying, you know, what I'd really like is, if you can find a way to allow me to finish what I'm saying before you started, that would be really great. Is that? Is that okay for you? The thing is, they could say, look, sorry, but no, that's not me. And if I want to say something, I'm going to say something. If it were me, I would want to know that my boss felt like that. I'd been looking for another boss or myself, but it really but if you don't ask, they're never going to change. They might say, You know what, I heard someone say this, you know, my wife tells me that all the time. And, you know, I know I need to make a change. And then they said I'm sorry. But the point is, we need to just ask, just ask. And listen if and you're right. They say no. Well, okay, now I know. And I can make changes or, or decisions in my love, own life, which could it say, You know what, I'm just gonna live with them because I really love this job. But it might not important just information. Absolutely. And don't suffer in silence. Right. You know, for some people, it's very difficult to speak up and have those conversations. But if you're struggling, you know, that's where someone like Kathy would help right? Getting a coach or a mentor or somebody who can help you. You find what the right words are. Don't continue to suffer. And if you've got a boss who's just a plain bully, if you're still there, 12 months later, then you know, you've got to you've got to ask yourself why. So yeah, yeah.