The path to purpose, with Neerja Singh

The idea of finding your purpose can be annoying, because it’s almost become cliché, and many don’t feel it’s an authentic statement at all anymore. However, when you find someone who is really living their purpose, you feel the energy and commitment in everything they do and say. Neerja Singh is one of those people, and when I first met her, I was completely struck by it. 

As we got to know each other more, I started to understand the deep pain she experienced to find her path to purpose, which made me admire her even more, and throughout my life, I’ve been privileged to know many people who found their purpose after experiencing something profound and heart-breaking. The people I admire the most, without question. 

Neerja is now on a mission to shine a light on generational disconnect, which is so harmful to societies across the world. In this podcast, Neerja shares her journey, provides some really interesting context on the challenges within India that also translate to many other parts of the world, but also the really interesting idea that the disconnect means we have lost our combined values system. 

I could relate to so much to what Neerja said and I hope you find value, so you can discover the deeper resonance of what makes you tick, so you too can live your with purpose. It definitely takes Uncommon Courage to live a life of purpose, so be inspired to step into yours. 

Get in touch with Neerja

LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/neerja-singh/ 

Website https://neerjasingh.com/ 

YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@NeerjaSinghSeenager 


#UncommonCourage 

To get in touch with me, all of my contact details are here https://linktr.ee/andreatedwards

My book Uncommon Courage, an invitation, is here https://mybook.to/UncommonCourage

My book 18 Steps to an All-Star LinkedIn Profile, is here https://mybook.to/18stepstoanallstar

Transcript

Unknown: 0:07

welcome to uncommon courage. My name is Andrea Edwards. And today I'm so happy to introduce you to a lady who I look at as inspiring, beautiful, why's. And she just operates in a class of her own. We're Nero walks into the room. Everyone, everyone notices. So today we're meeting Nero Singh, she is the scene ager. And we're going to talk about what that is about. But the main focus is how do you find your purpose. And I know that this can be a bit, sort of, you know, almost cliche, but if you meet anybody who lives their life with purpose, you will know that they just operate at a different level. So let's get stuck in. Welcome, Nisha. Hello, Andrea. So nice to have you here. Thank you. We met few years ago now. And you, you always struck me from across the room. So I've been really thrilled lately, we've been able to work together more in the mentor mentoring programme as well as the I news event that you organised. It's been great to be part of that. So yeah, I'm looking forward to a beautiful friendship that will last for many years. Absolutely, Andrea, not just for many years forever, for as long as we are here. I've registered, I've registered you in the speaking industry in the speaking world, as somebody who talks of social leadership, and that's something I identify with. And I think it's very, very crucial today. Very critical today. So I'm really, really happy to be here. angrier, yes. So what we're going to focus on today is really, how to find your purpose. And I think it's almost like in the introduction, I said, it's almost cliche these days, it's one of those buzzwords, but actually, when you meet people who live with purpose, they just operate from a different level of energy, right? But before we start talking about that, let's start with you know, what are you doing today and tell us your story. From Korea story, life story, whatever you want to share? Certainly, Andrea, what I'm doing today is my fifth profession, and that's of speaker, a professional speaker on generational diversity. In the past, I've been a teacher, I've been a journalist. I've been in the advertising and public relations business. I've assisted documentary filmmakers, award winning documentary filmmakers, but with my background in media, education, and a personal experience, Andrea, that approached me to activate and right now, I used to call it speaker on generational empathy. I call it a generational gap generational wellness. But I finally settled on generational diversity because there is an explosion of diversity today. And I believe that something people hear the here and the register about my journey, Andrea, what brought me to this place was in 13, I went through a personal experience, which I was not prepared for at all. I was living a picture book life, going by the rule book, I thought I was doing all the right things, taking off all the checkboxes, like typical, I would call myself a middle class Indian educated mother does was a you know, working towards placing our children in positions of strength so that they can fly blaze trails. That was my typical dream, Andrea, and I was listening to Oprah Winfrey, those days, and there was so much in the air about educating your girl child and empowering them. And I really, really was bent upon giving my two daughters a professional education and all the skills that would help them operate from what I call a position of strength. And suddenly out of the blue with no sign, no signal, no forewarning. In 2013, my highly talented, highly accomplished elder daughter goes into depression. I have not heard of depression before. And that's, that really put us into a spiral, not just me, my family, my extended family, my mother, everybody around us, because we were suddenly dealing with conditions we had no skills to deal with. never experienced before. It's like a blizzard out there. It's like a storm out there. And we don't know where to go, what to do. Where to begin. For me, it had to start by just typing into Google words or the word depression, to see whether the the expression on those images matched the desolate darkness that I was seeing on my child's face. And to us, there was no reason for this to happen. And that's how it began 2013. And it continued. And after that, that forced me to look at this generation today that forced me to really question my communication with my children. And that brought me to speaking on generational diversity. Yes. And the idea that depression in 2013 wasn't something that was known. Do you think that's a cultural thing? It's a cultural thing? Yes, it is, it is a cultural thing, especially in India. In India, it used to be mocked and not taken seriously. If somebody felt low, people would tell them snap out of bed, why don't you go for a walk? You know, this is a weakness. And this is almost immoral, almost a sin to be unwell and not feel like getting out of bed. So there wasn't an understanding of the symptoms of depression or the causes, nor on? What is the right way to be around a person who is depressed. That's how it was. Yeah, it's, I think depression is a very challenging thing for someone who hasn't experienced it to understand right. And, you know, it's, they're just being lazy, get out of bed, something you can't see. Right. So therefore, you judge it and, and, you know, we're in the middle of a global mental health crisis, which, you know, a lot of it's come off the back of COVID. But actually, young people, mental health, just recently, in just the last few weeks, as global reports have come out, and it's children who are terrified of their future. So I'm extremely concerned about what's going to happen to these kids in the years coming, especially if we don't sort of address what they feared the most, which is their lives, you know. So that's, that's what they're scared of. So us adults have a role to play right? In helping our children. That didn't matter is that so much of confusion and self doubt and conflict today? Because he, as an adult, as an educated aware, I consider myself a fairly progressive adults, I am still confused on what the dynamics are to be between the old and the young, and what kind of future are we moving towards, given the way we relate to each other today, given the way they communicate with each other, because it's not just depression in 2013, it was not just the onset of depression that threw us off kilter. It was also the sudden realisation that values such as respect, very inherent and particularly poignant in the Indian culture, because we are a hierarchical culture. And there's a lot of respect that is expected. And we believe owed to all the people just by age, just by knowledge is by wisdom, all of that. And suddenly, I find that, despite having done everything that I was asked to do, or was suggested or recommended to do, I don't have the respect and the affection of my children. And diet identity has been that of a good parent, a good mother. And I feel I've not done anything wrong, and I still struggle to get that kind of validation from my children. And I don't think it's unique to a parent or a mother. I think that's pretty applicable to an entire generation today. Because suddenly, from us trying to please our parents, it's a reverse parenting happening today. We are trying to please our children, you're trying to, yes, you're trying to win their favour. And you're actually living in fear of them to an extent that goes so far as to say that, Andrea, so this is a different world. And you look around the world. You know, I grew up in Australia, the concept of respect, I think it died out with my parents generation. So a generation, I'd say the word ahead, but it's not really ahead. I think, I think it was a setback. And then I've seen other other things like divorce within cultures such as India, have became, you know, once the 2000s came around, it started to slowly happen. And then all of a sudden, it became a roller coaster ride. And, yeah, and it's like, we lose something, and often for good reason. But what we're replacing it with isn't necessarily better, you know, and that happens all the time. Like, even to me, me, too, that me too. Movement is such a positive movement and so important, but it didn't it very quickly turned into something negative where men felt disempowered, frightened to take their female colleagues out for lunch or dinner. And so well, that's not going to work either. So it's so we go from one extreme to another. We never seem to be able to find that middle ground. Right. Absolutely. And one more thing, Andrea. There's actually in my budget a little there's a party going on literally a party going on which they didn't maybe I We are behind me behind the rest of the world in some ways. But I would like to share a recent incident that's happened with me in my family. And there's nothing to hide, I don't think we should hide anymore today. Because Because nobody's working in a vacuum. And we're all part of an ecosystem, we are connected. And this niece of mine, and the young people like her who are doing it today, this peace of mind finds a partner that she chooses to get engaged to this out of cost engagement. And the family is initially a little weary, they caught off guard, but they come around, like the older generation tries to come around these days, eventually recover out. And there's a big party, there's a band Baaja and typical, you know, big fat, Indian engagement, apples, we all dance, and now we are preparing our clothes and getting ready for the day to be announced for the wedding. And just not five months later, she wants to call us engagement. My wonderful grandparents I know is still can't stop crying about the whole thing. Because for the for the grandparents, it's a you know, it's like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow like their entire life, they're working towards watching their grandchildren flourish, and so called settle down, but they call settled down in India. And out of the blue, this happens and they just can't understand why this giant doesn't find the boy attractive anymore. Attraction is not a word that they ever define their relationships by Dre. It was just a commitment. It was a choice. It was a partnership. And the student struggling as a family is struggling to come to terms with it. It's just just happened. Yeah, right. Well expect those sorts of things to happen more and more, based on what's happened in other parts. You know, like you, I mean, I've been in Asia for 20 years now. And I love this region, but there are so many aspects to the family and the culture that are that are beautiful, but also very, very restrictive. And, you know, friends have asked me for advice on things, and I give them my advice as an Australian. And they're like, that's just too much. And I'm like, Alright, so let's work out what how far you're willing to go to, just to break the chains a little bit so that you don't feel that pressure all the time. Because it's it's it's huge. It's huge on many, many families. So that's your inspiration. And I, I think, you know, when when you see a problem in the world, going out there to solve that problem. And so what you're seeing is the intergenerational it's a communication problem, right. But it's actually it's more than that. So talk about your inspiration more, because I think it's really fascinating. And the reason I keep coming back to generational gap of generational diversity of entry is that today, it's manifesting in tangible ways. For instance, you may have come across these articles recently that they're talking about language censorship by the young, the young are telling us not to use words like black sheep, because it has some racist kind of implications or not to use the word guru. The Hindu fundamentalists might not like that. Send it via ceding ground, the earlier generation is ceding ground. That was not the case earlier. The younger generation, the brats, the Prades, despite the radicals of the 1960s, I'm talking about the United States in India, the radicals came only the 1990s because economic liberalisation came to us in the 1990s. So my daughter, Xel, the one I lost when she was 31 years old. She was the first labour time generation of India until we didn't have clothes that you could buy off the shelf. Some of our mothers were still stitching clothes for us, they were still baking cakes. So the consumer society happened here in the 1990s. Now, in the past, even though the so called boomers in the 1960s were radicals, there was a hippie movement that was a freedom of speech movement. But suddenly, later, when they grew up, when many of them were there, they got a spanking, and they went back home and they talk about their parents businesses. So they got back to track and started, you know, earning money and be productive. But today, that's not what is happening. Andrea today, the elder generation, like I said, is ceding ground so readily, so rapidly, one stops to wonder, what is the direction we are taking? Are we going back to nature, the wild were the adults were the young, there has to be a compass there has to be some some kind of value system. There has to be some boundary. There has to be some fans you can't keep going headlong into in this direction of you know, within quotes, progressive ideas, progressive living where you can't call it Criminal criminal, or you can't, you just you feel tied down because you don't know who your where to displace skins are tucked in. So you try to strike a balance between understanding and appreciating the real conflict that's out there, the anxiety of the young. So be there for them, listen, be compassionate, all of that, and yet managed to somehow hold the centre of gravity so that everything does not spiral out of control. And by spiral out of control, I mean, mental health, ill health. I mean, in some cases, loss of life, and income, parents estrangement and generation gap today, Andrea is not just about music style, it's about power. It's about politics, it's about authority, power structures. And you have the demographic demographic changing so rapidly. In nations, you have the older generation, that's ballooning. And the younger generation and in many cases, the productive generation on home, that older generation is going to be dependent. And there's going to be a fight for resources, where do you allocate the budgets on education? Or retirement? What are elderly care, medical care for them? These are these are questions which are going to tax the economy, they're going to tax patients, which is why I say the generational diversity is really relevant is not just not just about a mother and daughter communication. It's about national, international global conversations and dialogues because it involves something very, very, very basics survival, which happens best when you work together as teams. And that is not happening today. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, well, so you've given us the Indian version of Kancil culture, which is fascinating. I hadn't heard the guru cancellation. That's interesting. But um, the other thing is Indian really moving into consumer society from the 90s. Right. And so I don't know if you've seen in recent weeks, there's been a lot of media coverage around India's need to get off coal, and move rapidly towards renewable energy, because it's going to be, it's going to be the I mean, it's going to be the biggest population in the world this year, it's going to surpass China. But it's the amount of coal that runs the country is just off the charts. And, you know, if we're going to get runaway emissions under control, that it definitely has to come out that whole consumer culture like sort of moving in that path, which you know, which is a path that I, I had the privilege of moving into in the 70s 80s. I remember the 80s. You know, most Australians had one car, by the end of that decade, or probably even by the middle of that decade, typically families had two cars. And then the kids when they became teenagers, there'd be four or five cars parked outside of a house. Right? And, you know, there's a famous picture in Beijing, where, in the 1980s, there's a street and it's just full of people on bikes. And then 10 years later, it's just full of cars. And, and I look at it and just go, Why didn't anyone sit there and go, that's not going to be a good idea. If that many more billion cars get on the road? Or refrigerators? Like, you know, the heat in India at the moment is, are you having a heatwave at the moment? Are you having a bit of a break? In some places? There's a bit of a the South, it's warm, but up in the north? It's been uncharacteristic a cold invite here. Right? Yeah. Less. And I saw some predictions that some May, May June just gonna be off the charts, right? And what happens when you get hot, you need air conditioning. So you know, we have 1.4 billion people in India needing air conditioning. That's a lot more admission. So we're in this really crazy loop. So I suppose in some ways the conversation needs to between the elders and the youngers is how do we build a future together, we can all move forward. So you know, you hear especially old white men talking about things from a climate perspective. And they're not going to be alive. You know, they're not going to be alive to deal with it. Right? Especially when they're denying it. And you've got these young people going, Oh, my God, I've got no future. I can't possibly have children. I can't say this. I can't do that. And then these old people sort of patronising them telling them, they're stupid that they don't know what they're talking about. Right. So I think that inspiration that you've got there, I think you're I think you're onto a winner. So important. Really, it's so important, but it's that coming together. It's not like if younger people reject everything that the older people say the older people have the knowledge of going back to basic living. Like can you still so was that your your mom's generation? No, I learned I learned how to do that my mom would have a setting my my sister and I was it into embroider and make french knots and do magic or cross stitching that we've done bedcovers. Yes, we were taught how to knit it up. Yeah, yeah. No, I did. I forgotten I can't use a sewing machine. But I'm sure it pick it up again. All right. So the journey to finding your purpose I think you know, because you lost your daughter on that journey. Because I think for some people, when I talk to them about it, they think it's just a light bulb moment, then it's done. And then they're going on with it. But actually, my purpose is still evolving. You know, I'm 53, you're, you're, you're a little bit older than me, right? But it takes, it's almost like a lifelong journey, right? And so what's your journey been like to finding your purpose hard, easy, confusing, still evolving. I am pretty clear now on my purpose, Andrea, because of the loss I suffered, and that was just really around three months ago. And I shared with you I lost my 31 year old daughter and the manner in which she went, as she was representative of our generation, I don't believe urban, Indian, educated English speaking, that, that Jenna, you know, that section of society, and she had internalised her Ivy League education. And so one was that she really wanted to create an impact in the world. And second, there was this image of an ideal family that she was absorbing from the airwaves around her because there are a lot of articles, there are TV series and sitcoms. And I don't think we ever matched up to that there was a disconnect there, because as a family with watch a movie, but pretty much join what a great family does offer financial support emotional support. The hugs also happened because we were reading about being demonstrating physically, but the father would always give her a hug a shoulder up, never have frontal fuck. That's how the culture is about to be able to hear from her that she missed the physical display of affection, things like that. So there was this image of an ideal family, which we found for not meeting. And there was some kind of guilt around that. And my child was struggling to claim her space as a woman. In a society where it's not easy. She was also trying to put her education into practice, literally, for her, it was not about earning a living, just earning a living, it was also about claiming the college slogan, the basic philosophy that she was taught and what your college or education was supposed to do. So she was a social justice warrior, she would be anxious about the climate. And she wanted to be out there for everybody. And she was a huge connector, very empathic person, a lot of young people today are like that pic of the bigger picture. They are not so much about their immediate family as they are about the world, the globe and all of that. And because of these differences, I don't think she felt as validated as we could have made her feel. I accept that. And the depression may have also come from Laird anger, the anger, anger at this anger that multiple factors. And that caused her to come to this decision that I have had enough. It's just my I've been there. I've done that. I know what things are about this as I don't want to carry on. And when that happened, that forced me angry or to re examine, examine my entire life, the entire trajectory, what was I do a and this was not supposed to happen? So is this happening only to me, and it began to look around, I saw. Rather, like I said, we are all connected, there were other people going through similar experiences. And the choice was either to just keep this very private, keep this very quiet out of a sense of shame, and not let people know or follow the example that my daughter said, Just go out there. Claim it, claim your narrative. What is there to be ashamed of? I'm very proud of my daughter. She was a beautiful encouragers very brave woman. Yes, she was different. She wanted to do things differently. That's fine. And that's when it's decision to start talking about suicides. The choice was to just go out and take that work forward. And all that I do today and is because of and for my daughter, Andrea. So her motto was shut up and listen, that was a message which is what I tried to get across through my writing. I always the generations to listen to each other to ask questions, not presume the first time I you told me about your daughter, I can't I can't even imagine that as a mother myself, right? Just but how you brought that into yourself and going out there and decided to make a difference in the world. It's just I have so much respect for that because I know that if I could rise again if one of my boys took their life I have huge respect for you for that, and, and the comments about shame. Like, I think that's something that's people don't really appreciate the concept of shame. I mean, we you know, we have global examples like Monica Lewinsky during her shame TED Talk, which I recommend everyone, everyone watch it, I think it's one of the most powerful TED talks I've ever seen. But just a shame within within communities, you know, not even being able to tell people what's going on for fear of the shame that can look back on your family. I think that's not something that is widely understood, like even the whole me to movement, I just remember just thinking, or a lot of people in Asia, if they've been sexually harassed, or worse, to talk about that is actually to bring shame upon them and their families. And they've always got to put those thoughts first. Right. So shame. So I'd say that your journey to your purpose was probably the hardest journey that there is. So when we look around the world, and a lot of people are sort of reaching out and asking the question, how do I find my purpose? What's your advice? The first thing is, Andrea, to find what you really care about, because we end up caring about things that the environment is telling us to care about, perhaps some authority figures in our families or in our lives. upheld those, you know those those areas, but find your purpose to find your purpose. First, find out what you really, really care about. align yourself with that. And once that is done, just just just keep in mind, Andrea to do good to do well, so you want to do various, but first to good, whatever purpose you have arrived at that purpose ought to be for the larger good, you really need to be able to do that. And so do good. And trust yourself. Trust yourself. There are so many times when you stop to ask yourself, Am I doing the right thing? Is this really happening? I've asked myself that question. So many times is generation gap really as relevant, as I believe it to be. And then I go out into the field, I meet people in the park, I talk to them, I interview people that I just meet during the daily course of my life. And so into that constant, checking in and keep your compass directed well. And finally, to find the purpose, if you are able to start helping others or empowering them in some manner, that is a mutual win win. That's another way to find your pocket saved. So these are the three things saving, if you could think of like you've done some pretty interesting trips in recent months, I know you're about to jump on, jump on a plane and do some more and spread your beautiful message in other countries. If you met some people just locally or internationally, who were very purpose driven, who've really struck you for their commitment. Can you think of any examples you could share just so people can I want to I want to help people to visualise what it means because purpose can be you know, I met a lady whose purpose is to do whatever she can to stop sexual slavery. That's something that just drives her every day that comes in many forms. Can you think of anyone that you've met, you don't have to use their names, if you don't want to? Anyone jumped out? I have Andrea and not just abroad. All all around me, I see some people who are really purpose driven. So on a trip to Dublin, I met this lady who, whose father was a political leader, and though he was assassinated, and she shares that story, and in that story, there's an example for others on how to deal with grief and loss. Then, another friend who was gone through a tremendous, tremendous, huge loss. And her experiences her life work, which involves, you know, coming out of that grief, which is nothing but fear and translating it into purposeful work. There is this young woman who herself experienced accused of domestic abuse, and she now creates beautiful, beautiful artwork on the subject. And I've bought three or four paintings and she's really, you know, spreading spreading that message and creating awareness. So, I do believe, Andrea that a lot of people translate their darkest hours into a beacon of light to become a beacon of light because that's, that's healing for them also. It gives them the strength to go on and I want to share with you that after I lost my daughter, there was anger at the humiliation that she suffered the rejections that she suffered, I saw was suffered. And I would be angry with some friends, some people in the family who in my eyes were not there for her in her most vulnerable moments, they could understand what's happening with her. And all of that gives me strength, Andrea, I'm working on those relationships. And in some ways, my friendships and relationships have shifted in major, major ways, but through my talks through my writing, and through these interactions, like we are right now engaged, if I honour the memory of my daughter, I believe and I shouldn't be using, it's a strong word to use. But I'm, I'm trying to do good with almost a sense of vengeance. I don't know how it sounds, but this is kind of a deeper, you know, you make up your mind and it's like, an obstinacy that you are going to do good. You're going to honour your daughter's memory, and you're going to help other people carry her truth to others and give them permission to claim the difficult times that they are going through right now. Yeah, that's amazing. So, you know, from when you're sitting in a place of anger, you know, I always, I always say, like, you know, if you if you can work out a way to release the anger, because often, you know, people who sit in anger are constantly projecting it onto other people, and not actually recognising it in themselves. So, but the other one is deep pain, sitting in deep pain, obviously, some people can never let go of their pain. You know, my mom, my dad divorced or left her in 1986. And I know she's never recovered from that, you know, and it's a shame thing. Yes. But it's also a fine thing. So yeah, carrying shame, carrying anger, sitting in grief, if you can find your way to get out, you know, I think and finding your purpose, to help others maybe going through the same thing. So when you were talking about the people you admire, it sounds like people who've also experienced massive grief was justice work, which is outward looking and impacts a lot of other people. I do believe that it stems from some very, very deep internal grief. And it's, it's a release, but channelized release for the good for for positive outcomes for positive influence. Yeah, and there's more focus. Now, grief, trauma, has a lot more focus on it. And I think that's a great thing for everyone in the world. So how can people find you? People can find me on, I have a YouTube channel, I am there. I have my website. I'm on Instagram. And my website is Nisha singh.com. And if on Google, I go by the moniker of the C Major, I call myself the C major, or the CDN teenagers with us, Jesse C. Nature. I'll put everything in the show notes as well. All right, so let's leave everyone with a finale. What's your three tips for living a purposeful life? Let's finish off with just three simple things people can start doing. Alright. Say yes, more often, to opportunities around you. And second is too good, too good to do well. And third is, it's okay to operate from a space of fear. And I say that because if it's something that scares you, it's worth doing. I do believe that I've moved a step every time I've done something that's been challenging. That's given me butterflies in the pit of my stomach. So these three things and this is how to live a purposeful life. Yes, say yes. Small. To good. And do what makes you scares you a little. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Get used to feeling that discomfort. Yes. For us, even though it's not pleasant. It's good, right. It's a good discover stress, which is the kind of stress that turns a coal into diamonds. Yeah, right. Nice. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. And I look forward to speaking to you soon. All right. Bye. See you everyone.